Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
