apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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