It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
