how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
