I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize