before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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