i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
