He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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