Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
my nose is crying tears of wow.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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