Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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