I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
did i walk over a car last night?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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