For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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