Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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