Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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