Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
