two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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