did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
