Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
