I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
