Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
