my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
