I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
