I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Girls should come with a carfax report
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
