she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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