i love accidental penises.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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