I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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