When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Come on in and take your pants off
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
