It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
