What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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