yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
