I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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