I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
