so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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