Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
