someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
