The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
i need some magic done to my vagina
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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