I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
