I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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