I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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