Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
