My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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