I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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