I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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