I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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