Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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