I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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