And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
