he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
