I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
