I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
