I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Randomize
