seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
