FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
