I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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