so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Drunk is not a location!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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