His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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