I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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