I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
